One more time to kill the pain

1:16AM - wow, this thing still works? anyone in there???

yes yes, I know, its been forever since I posted last... you can find me on tribe.net nowdays, look for Iona Merkin or look me up with my regular old email address.... if you dont know it... that sucks, doesnt it?  :)

No... Im NOT doing myspace, not that I have a problem with those who do... its just so mainstream..... bleh.

It seems as if this site is having its users jump ship more and more... thats sad... but at the same time, I havent felt like blogging in forever.  I was working on computers for over 40 hours a week til recently.... Anyways, lj people... Im sorry, its not you its me, I swear.  Ill be back as the wind blows, but y'know... its just kinda... yeah.  blah.  But yes, I am still alive, and stuff.

2:46AM - Attentions Residents of Earth... HELL has FROZEN OVER, Ice Cube Salesmen out of Jobs...

No, I'm not in a relationship, lol. And no, I don't have a babysitter on a weekend night. I GOT A JOB!!! Crazy, right?! Its in a call center for a DSL company, and I get benefits after 30 days of being hired on full time. Not to mention it pays me enough to make it all work out. I will start training on the 17th and be employed full time on the 3rd of May. I should be working from about 5pm to about 2 am, and I said I was down for some overtime... as much as they will give me. Wonder of Wonders, Asshole said he will watch his son most of the training time... and will watch him for 3 days a week when I get hired on full time. (he's gotta make a contribution SOMEHOW) Meme's Roommate will watch him the other 2 days a week. Her house is clean, her kid is happy and healthy and smart, and she's willing to do it. And if for some reason she can't, my granddad said he was willing to as well... So it looks like it is all going to work out. :) I'm very, very jolly.

Oh yeah, and we totally nailed the audition for fringe fest. We were awesome, which may be hard for those of you who actually know us IRL to believe, but hey, what can I say, we were magic that night. :) The main guy looked at us and said, 'See you there' and he didn't say that to any of the other acts. There was this group of strings, and a harmonica.. and they played Jimi Hendrix' Purple Haze and they rocked socks man... they were awesome. They are going to be one of the people we are supposed to promote with our busking.

3:44AM - he wrote this about me

Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman To Me


She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me


She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long it's free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me


Ohhh... she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
Ohhh... and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind


And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she?ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me


Ohhh... she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
Ohhh... and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind


She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
But she's always a woman to me

Ohhh... she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
Ohhh... and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind

ChEEZy, n0? IlOvEiT

3:44PM

yechhh I dont feel good today, my head hurts something fierce! Ughh Anyway.

I had court yesterday, NOTHING SERIOUS! I got ticketed for driving on suspended in feb. (i was unaware i was suspended) The prosecutor yesterday offered me a deal to plead guilty to the lesser included offense of driving without a valid license. Which is good, what I plead to carries the same punitive weight as a parking ticket... while DWS is an 8 point offense and that would put me at suspended for a year, plus the 90 day suspension I would have received from the judge... I made a great deal.. 120$ instead of being suspended for 15 months and a max poss fine of $500... I mean.. it is kinda hard to say I WASNT driving on suspended... I mean I was... ignorance is no excuse in a court of law.

So I have an audition for Fringe Fest on the 31st. (basically a giant arts and street performer fest) I am the only person the Clown & his cousin know who has the balls to stand in the middle of them while they are juggling fire and knives and clubs (ohmy). Plus, I make us money, Im a good Talker. I have no doubt that we will get a spot, and like they could keep us out, anyway. I mean, who doesnt like fire and knives and clubs, and music and jokes and the like... Vaudeville Revival Baby
http://www.indyfringe.org/index.php
Insane Monkey like Mojo Jojo... oooh yeah :) (you cant see it, but I just did a little dance hehe)

11:06PM - bored and looking for quotes

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me's is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one? Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither."
-"An Unquiet Mind," Kay Redfield Jamison

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."
-"Choke," Chuck Palahniuk

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Theres more, but for your sake Ill do this... ( Read more... )

4:22PM - hehehe

</td><td valign="top">You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you'll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you're a technical geek, you'll be able to afford it, too. If you're not a technical geek, you're geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don't date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You'll constantly try to out-geek the other.</td></tr>

You are 61% geek

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

8:36AM - Happy Saint Patricks Day!!!!

I just wanted to share with you all this toast.....


I'll Drink to Your Health With You.

I'll Drink to Your Health Alone.

I'll Drink to Your Health So Much,

It'll Start to Threaten Me Own!!!


Have a very safe and happy St. Patricks Day, and May the Luck of the Irish Be With You




(I celebrate the Irishness of the holiday, not the fact that St. Patrick spread christianity in Ireland... that was the downfall of the Old Ways) I could rant, but wth I dont wanna go there, Im jolly and Im gonna drink alot of Green beers or Greenya Colodas :)

10:01PM - Tonights Update brought to you by my baby, and he still manages to be more interesting than some....

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5:13PM - poetry moment ok, well more than a moment, but hey, I keep remembering more that I like

Heres some poetry I like... I'll cut it for ya, so you dont have to deal with my taste in poetry if you dont want to. Anyway, its my lj and I like it, so :)~
( Read more... )

2:51AM

Im in a pretty good mood tonight. I went out with my sister and we got some henna dye at Wild Oats...its colorless so I dont have to worry about roots, it'll basically just make my hair be nicer. I havent dyed my hair in over a year, freaky!! Then we ate at El Sol!! mmmmmMMM thats some damn fine mexican food. The Baby is good, he hasnt seen his father in over a week, but hey, wtf ever. When he wants to see his kid, he'll call. but if it goes on too much longer, he and i are going to have a very serious discussion. sigh Nothin like thinking about your scandalous ass babydaddy to bring down a good mood. oh well.
Oh hellyeah my buddy, the clown, maybe, possibly is gonna have a 3 night a week gig @ the Vogue *yes, the one in broadripple* I guess that means I need to get sewing. (I do his costumes, and other various lovely assistant type duties) Nothing is solid, but still, hella cool man. plus, I think he'll get better business in a tux n tails or at least a brighter costume. And I need to make some props for him, but thats all very secret and hush hush, its all MAGIC.

2:41AM - quiz time (im bored, you dont have to look if you dont want to)

True Ethical Slut Whoa! You scored 40 Sluttiness Points and 18 Ethics Points! Interesting...

Doesn’t sex just kick ass? You love it and your friends love it and your playmates love it. Sex is that overflowing bowl of ice cream you just have to share with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, if we can get more happy good sex out into the world, we can make it a happier place for everyone in it. You know how to communicate about what you want and how to listen to your partner’s desires. You even use your turn signals. You’re just an all around good person. You are one of the beautiful people.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 97% on Sluttiness You scored higher than 58% on Ethics

Link: The Ethical Slut Test written by PlayfulKissing on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Lover I'm not telling your actual score. Hmph!

The Lover (or Poet) is a rare type. (S)He has a rather contradictory nature. He is completely unselfish and generally regards others above himself, yet somehow in his effort to please, often ends up doing things that appear completely self-centered. The Lover loves people and strives for acceptance, but at the same time withdraws from the world. Lovers are authors, artists, philosophers, and musicians. They live unorthodox, unconventional, or even chaotic lives. Lovers experience the highest highs and lowest lows. The Lover's complement is the hardened, unhesitant Warrior.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 51% on Confidence You scored higher than 62% on Creativity

Link: The Medieval Archetype Test written by isayso on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

You Are 84% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

The Playstation Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf) Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation. You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When girls dare to dream, they dream of you. You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down. Your exact opposite: The Priss Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer In the meantime, the women you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner. ALWAYS AVOID: The Priss CONSIDER: Anyone else Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: sc0rp10chick

Dealer You are 97% Chonged!

Damn, your a smoth player, you know your stuff. Dont spend all your life in a smokey room though, or your plants will die! Anyways, enjoy your stoner-dom, and remeber, DON'T GET CAUGHT!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on variable 1

Link: The Stoner Test written by twistedflame on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

3:58PM - Sheeee's baaack *don't say we didnt warn you*

Hello all you people out there in lj land! It's been many moons since I last updated... life happens. Since I last updated I had a baby. His name is JAMES ERIC. I however, call him Jamie the Punk Pig. He was born AUG 1 2005 at 8:20 by C section, and he is the light of my life. And oh yeah, WHY did no one tell me that baby's are gross?! I mean, you allways hear about how cute and sweet they are, but lil snippets about the time junior puked all the way from your hair to your shoes just seem to get forgotten in the grand scheme of things. Biology maybe makes us forgive and forget as a survival mechanism... But anyway, all you non parents don't care. So lets get to something you do care about... dumdedumdumduuuum my love life.
It doesnt exist much beyond my own head right now. Yes Yes I know what you are thinking, and its true, Hell HAS frozen over and Ive been single now for about a year. And ya know what? Im good with that. I do currently have a mad crazy crush on this guy, who is NOT an asshole. Im taking this one slooooow. I cant afford to keep a non keeper around and confuzzle the baby. I shall call him, the Musician. I like him, I like him good and all you scandalous ho's better keep yer grubby mitts off of him cuz I aint sharing once I snag this one so poop on you. :)~ Ummm what else... OH YEAH
I got to go to the ICP concert on the 30th of October... It was Truely PIMP. pimp plus, even. I had a great damn time, and fer all you haters out there, FUCK YOU! hahaha Vanilla Ice was with em and I gotta smoke out during ICE ICE BABY and I was all jolly cuz way far back in the day I really wanted to see him in concert. now I have. CLOWN LOVE BITCH

10:47PM

So yeah, not a good time to be me. Baby daddy BULLSHIT. Need to cut my stress levels... that probably means I should cut him out of my life. Grr just thinking about him makes me want to go into a fuckin panic attack. I despise him so much. I just can't stay this stressed out... its not healthy. Stressing out about my fuckin stress levels. I hate him. I just wish he could be honest with me. I doubt his new bitch even knows the amount of bullshit that he puts people through. Out of ALL of 'em, I did love him. But theres a new guy in my life, my son. I need to give my son the love, the loyaltly, the amount of dedication I gave to his father, since its obvious that it's been unreciprocated for quite a while.... probably the whole damn time. GOD IM STUPID.

1:39AM - **Update**

So its been a minute since I updated. Lost my internet the day after my last update, moved... lots of shit.
The Main Event: My Baby's Gender
For all of you who haven't heard, I am going to have a son. I still don't know what I am going to name him, though we are thinking Alexander ... Wish I liked either of my father's names, (thats ok though, cuz neither did he) At least he's not insisting on making mine an Asshole the III. So thats a good thing.
Im getting bigger... thats bothering me to no end. Funny things are happening to my body. My middle is stretching in ways that hurt and my back is terribly sore most of the time. I love the tylenol! I love it good.
The baby kicks me most of the time now... especially when Im trying to sleep. Makes for some fucked up dreams... had one the other night, I get my brand new baby, I open up the little bundle and lo and behold! my baby looks just like Flounder from the Little Mermaid. That was hella freaky.
And now ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the Sideshow... Now Step into the Abyss of Stupidity
so the asshole left me, big fuckin suprise. He still comes around sometimes, thinks that if I sleep with anyone but him I'll be 'disrespecting my child'. Excuse me, but WTF?!?!? HE gets to go fuck his whores and Im supposed to still want him, and the only way to get any is with him?? hahahahha--wait... Its less funny because its true. :/ Fuckin Dickhead. reminds me of that diana ross song... you keep me hangin' on... I love motown. :) Wish I could just be over him once and for good. Wish I could get stronger and bigger so I could kick his ass. Hope my son turns out to be a better man than his father is. The asshole isnt a bad guy.... as long as he gives a damn. its just whether or not he's ever gonna give a damn that ya got to worry about. fuckin grr.
Ive moved past the all consuming anger (this five minutes) and am just kinda resigned to the fact that nothing is ever EVER gonna be easy. Glass blowing be damned(or at least put off till way later), Im gonna be a CNA for a quick minute and then an RN. Gots ta make da money.

2:57AM - Im gonna have a baby.

yup, you didnt hear it here first, but your hearin it now, its all true, the beth is spawning. (scary no?!) Im due on July 21st and that puts me at having a Cancer/Rooster. I swear Im getting closer and closer to being happy about it, it's just really hard some days though. The Asshole is the daddy (like ya didnt see that comin)
Mt. Ebo knows, and she's not mad at me, which is good, cuz her baby is gonna be my baby's big brother (by 3 months). (welcome to knoblander)
Im absolutely terrified. I have to be a grown up now, and thats a daunting prospect. Neither The Asshole nor I are at this moment the most responsible of people, we have a long way to go before were are financially and emotionally stable enough to raise a baby. I have a goal though, Im going to take a QMA class, and go to work in a nursing home part time, and then I am going to continue my education and eventually end up becoming a grief counseler. So basically when my baby is 4 things will be ok, Ill have my education, be making decent money, and have a beautiful 4year old kid. Plus, with working in the medical field, I should not only make good money while Im still in school, but also I should get decent medical insurance out of the deal. its gonna be hard, real hard. and Im not sure Im going to do it right, and Im thinking Im probably going to have to do it all alone for most of my kids life, because the asshole could go one of two ways, he could decide to be a daddy and love and support his children, or he could run away. Im betting he will try the first till it gets too hard, and then the latter for a few years before the regret sets in. and thats a terrible thing to think, I hope its an unfounded fear, but he wont assure me that it is just a paranoid delusion. The worst part is I love him so much and it hurts so bad. the more time goes by the less I can stand the thought of him leaving. I want so much for this baby. I want to get rich so I can give it everything it needs, I want to be a better person so I can give it the mommy it deserves, I want my baby to have a daddy on the same caliber as my own was, one whose whole world revolves around his children. I want my baby to feel loved and secure, be happy and healthy, smart and funny. I want my baby to have all of the advantages. I want my baby, to above all else, thrive in this world. I want my baby to fight for what is right and achieve its goals, I want it, more than anything, I want my baby to be happy. sounds simple, no?! but right now Im sobbing because I mean every word of this and I love it so much, even though I dont know its gender, name, or what it looks like. those dont matter. what matters is, I have something to live for, to fight for, and to die for, and that means more to me than anything Ive ever felt, done, had, or dreamt.

1:56AM - hmm fitting somehow

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

 5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

 

"Behavior grew more reckless and callous, as it often does after a period of violence and suffering."

taken from the book, 'A Distant Mirror' by Barbara W. Tuchman

1:18AM

You Know You're a Pothead When...

You think the song "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem. Your music collection is worth more than your vehicle. Your bong is taller than your dog. It takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint. You set your wedding date for 4/20. You take off April 20th every year and treat it as the holiday it is. You spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care. You start every sentence with - uhhh!. You intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks. You eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week. You wear sunglasses at night, and see better. You go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter. Your pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator. Your bong gets washed more than your dishes. You sell your car for gas money You are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, "Is that my cigarette?" You're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home! Every cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device.... Just to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone. Someone has ever come up to you on the street and said "Hi" and you said "Yep." You thought the ebola virus was a type of weed. You think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out. You have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.

2:42AM

So I havent updated in a minute.... I GOT A NEW CAR! I GOT A NEW CAR!! I GOT A NEW CAAAR!!! (almost sorry, had to gloat) its a 97 Ford Taurus, and its champagne color, and its my new baby. I may even geek hard enough to put pix on here for all of you who have seen my old cars.. this one is clean!!!! Still, and Ive had it since last friday!!!!

Hmmm, what else.... Not too much really. Its cold out... makes me like hot showers a bunch ;) I got new shoes, also. they are pink and white airwalks.... yes PINK! IDGAF mothafuckas!!!

Ooh yeah! Ive been having crappy dreams the past couple of days. One night I dreamed that I woke up from sleep in my room, and some guy was walking up the driveway and into my moms house. He was walking in such a way that I knew he was up to no good. I got really scared as he was walking up, and couldnt move untill he went to open the door. I screamed at him to fuckin leave or Id kick his ass and call the cops. He didnt listen and walked in. I could feel my adrenaline pumping, and I charged out of my room, and as I turned the corner out of my door to the steps, I realized he was coming up the stairs, and my whole family was asleep up there. As he started walking, I jumped head first, arms to the side of me down the stairs from the very top. I somehow managed to turn while flying when I made it the 4 steps to the bathroom landing and continued flying all the way down the stairs and clotheslined the guy. I could actually FEEL all of this, the dizzy head first flying, the hit on my arm when I clotheslined him... and I woke up just as we both hit the floor in the dining room.

The dream I had last night is also pretty fucked up. In my dream I was in a battle, My team was trying to take this 100 story building. I had a machine gun and was shooting the people on the top of the building, well, at least trying to. I couldnt aim right, and missed with all of my bullets, and my team all died. I was the last one on my side left alive, and my gun ran out cuz I wasted all the bullets on bad aim and so I ran away. The guy on the roof that I had been trying to kill jumped off and started to run toward me with a knife.. I could feel the muscles in my legs throb with use, I could feel the ground under my feet, and I could hear it as the guy approached, and I could feel it when he caught me, and the point of the knife sliced through the first little bit of skin. And then the phone rang, and I am rarely that jolly to be awakened...

So these dreams have been very real, very very detail oriented and very very very terrifying. Im thinking it could be the cough medicine, or maybe its just me... cuz I didnt take any meds last night.

I dont know, in any case, Im gonna try and think of happier things before I go to bed tonight... the whole nightmare thing just adds to the insomnia


To Sleep... perchance to dream.. Aye, theres the rub, For in that fateful sleep of death what dreams may come?

1:51PM - This LJ entry brought to you by bitches talkin shit. Bitches talkin shit, this one is for you....

So I GUESS somebody wants to try to talk shit about me. And I GUESS they have been trying to use my LJ against me. Thats fuckin fine... really I fuckin swear. I have nothing to fuckin hide, bitches. IF you ARE one of those bitches, leave me a fucking comment after you get an LJ username... and Ill let you read the whole fuckin thing. OR would you prefer to NOT hear the truth, and instead go on with your fuckin gossip. Get a life that involves something productive... (I mean OTHER than your sex lives bitches) I have nothin to hide.

11:12PM

Tomorrow, citizens of the United States of America will be electing a president. When you or your family votes, ask yourself this:
Are you better off than you were four years ago?
Have you, your friends, or your family members lost their jobs under Bush?
Do you have all of the healthcare you need to keep your family healthy?
Are there really fewer terrorists now - or is there more hatred than ever coming from Iraq and the rest of the Middle East?
There are more and more insurgents, kidnappings, and terrorist actions in Iraq each day. Do you really believe that more of the same is going to stop that?
Do you believe the United States of America can be economically strong when the president refuses to work with other countries in the United Nations?
If you want to make the world a better place, please elect a president who wants to improve the economy and work with other countries to bring peace and security. Tomorrow, make a real difference.